946 Days

946 Days

On Friday we stopped breastfeeding.

946 days.

31 months and 1 day.

2 years and 7 months and 1 day.

One of the longest, most rewarding, and most fulfilling jobs I have ever had. Yes : I said “jobs” – because whilst it was wonderful and tender and wrought with hormones and body doubt and body gratitude and self doubt and self care and self neglect and ideological ambition and realistic set backs and unwaivering perseverance and effortless ease and sublime miraculous grace : it was work. Holy work. I do see it as me having chosen to take on a job to nourish you, my child. A job commissioned by nature to fulfill as long as we both enjoyed the process and relationship of nourishing and nurturing / drinking and receiving. It was nourishment and nurturing of a complex and multifaceted nature. A journey and a relationship shrouded in blissful connection and sometimes underpinned by deep struggle. A journey that has naturally ended at the perfect moment; for both of us.

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One of the only photos I have which shows the nipple shield we used at the beginning.

I still can’t quite believe that it is over; and to be honest it isn’t quite “over” as we are still talking about it between us: still touching Ninnie and feeling together how Ninnie is changing, laughing together at the incredulity of there being no more milk drinking. Ninnie is your name for my milky breasts – you know the word “breasts” but refer to my breasts (still now a few days later) as Ninnie.

If anyone would have told me when I was a few weeks pregnant that I would breastfeed you for this long I would have laughed in their face(!!!) I thought I would breastfeed for 9-12 months until you transitioned into food, and didn’t need the calories anymore….but then there you were, and my natural instincts blossomed and my rational mind was convinced after doing the research….and there you were: relishing the milk. Loving your safe haven from the exciting world, your body growing and flourishing so powerfully, your immunity and your health so strong – your desire to continue so palpable as each and every time you arrived at the breast your body relaxed and your nervous system reset.

We breastfed through a lot. We breastfed through our mutual recovery from a Caesarean birth after a long labour; for a few days we supplemented here and there as my milk supply came through – and despite the gruelling pumping schedule we breastfed through it. We breastfed through your Upper Lip Tie and for 9 weeks we breastfed with a nipple shield. We breastfed through the protracted death of my granny; your great grandmother. We breastfed through your first teeth, and your first mild fever. We breastfed through the arrival of each and every tooth that arrived – and at 12 months you had 14 teeth…each one bringing fresh chafing for my resilient nipples. we breastfed through the second level three day doula training I attended when you were 12 weeks old – your loving aunty bringing you at breaks and lunchtime. We breastfed through the flashbacks I started to have as part of the PTSD that was triggered in those first few months post partum; we breastfed through the ensuing migraines. We breastfed through a move to the UK for a few months; through the emotional rollercoasted that turned out to be. We breastfed through our happy return to Amsterdam. We breastfed through the first student births I attended, we breastfed through the “interuption to service” that the births and the hospital internships brought. You even had the privilege of breastfeeding from a friend whilst I was at the first full overnight birth. We breastfed through your first virus and your salmonella. We breastfed through your learning to walk and your increased sleep talking – thankfully no sleepwalking yet. We breastfed through the uncertain months of the beginning of self employment; me often reassured that whilst I wasn’t able to afford to put organic food and line caught salmon on our table as I had wanted – at least I could still offer you the breast -and that was as close to organic as it gets right?! We breastfed through your start at nursery, we breastfed through your decision to use the potty and the toilet. We breastfed though 2 years and 7 months of single parenting; and whilst a lot of parents in partnerships may not understand that there is a difference…that is no mean feat!

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Ruby the cat getting passively high on the oxytocin!

So how did it all come to an end?

On Friday night as we went about settling down for sleep after stories and tooth brushing; you said “Big Ninnie first” and out of nowhere I heard myself say “It is almost time to stop breastfeeding Jasper. You are a really big boy now, you can do so much for yourself, and Ninnie’s job is done – you don’t need to drink Ninnie anymore.” Your concern was initially mainly if you could drink from Ninnie tonight – naturally – your primary concern at 2y 7m is the present and immediate moment and the moment playing out in such a way that pleases you!!!

I cherished you as much as you would let me whilst you drank. I stroked your toddler head, your long blonde hair – totally different from the dark dark brown head of hair you were born with. I felt the size of your head; the solidity of it. I reminisced back to the first days of our journey when despite weighing 4.448kg at birth; you felt so tiny and fragile in my arms next to my blossoming bouncing balloon like breasts. I felt the full length of your little but solid toddler body next to mine and realised happily that you too will probably remember our breastfeeding journey in the longer term. This makes me so happy.

I have whispered into your ears at various points in the days since with tears in my eyes and my throat choked; “Ninnie will always love you – even though there is no more milk for you to drink; you can still put your head on the soft roundness and remember all the lovely milk you have enjoyed.”

The next night as we turned out the light after stories I invited you into my arm for a cuddle and you said; “Can I have Ninnie?” I smile in the half light (expecting the worst) and say “Oh no – we have stopped drinking Ninnie remember?” Tired after a lovely long day you say; “Oh yeah!” and lie back in your sheepskin.

Falling asleep the next afternoon; you are fidgetty and can’t get comfortable. You lie vertically on my body, your head over my heart, your arm outstretched over “Big Ninnie” (my right one) and fall asleep like that. I cherish the closeness; my heart hurting for you a little. Is it my projection or is this you searching for reassurance?

Last night you tried again – with a knowing and cheeky grin as you ask; “Can I have a little drink?” I laugh and say “Noooooo – the milk is gone now….”

“A tiny drink? A really really short drink?” you venture.

I reply with a clear voice defying my mental uncertainty; “Oh that would be so nice wouldn’t it; but Ninnie doesn’t have milk anymore – feel how wobbly they are now! They are very different now….” I’m half wondering if I should actually offer you some but the dread of the feeling of the dwindling milk being drawn up through the already very different feeling ducts persuades me not to(!)

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So many sweet moments like these; here you are 5 weeks old.

I am so PROUD of you that you seem able to navigate this change with such confidence. Seeking out affirmations of our love and attachment, yes, but in what seems to be a secure manner. Our relationship is changing again – again! Oh how the wonderous journey of parenthood embodies the only certainhood we have in life: that nothing is certain – that nothing lasts forever.

In these last days of our breastfeeding journey (is it appropriate to say “The Wrap Up”?!?! Too soon maybe?!?!) I have laughed, I have cried, I have massaged and soothed my breasts in deep loving gratitude, I have reflected a lot on what the breastfeeding journey has meant for me, what I hope it has meant for you, and what it has meant for us as a mother and son. There are so many memories – some fleeting and funny, some raw and intense, some euphoric, some I have shared with others, some that will simply remain between you and I; and some that I hold close in my own heart just for me. It is also incredibly beautiful; that on the day that our journey stopped – the breastfeeding journey of a dear dear friend and her absolutely scrumptious newborn daughter began. The cycle continues!

I want to end with gratitude. Gratitude for you and your unwaivering determination from just minutes old, gratitude for your grunting and sucking and stroking and patting and burping and slurping, gratitude for my breasts and my body, gratitude for the healing nature of our “successful” breastfeeding journey after a birth journey that wasn’t what I had hoped for us, and last but not least – deep gratitude for all the people around us. The women, the dearest friends and family, the birthworkers and teachers, and the supporters who made our journey possible with their glasses of water, the delicious nibbles and snacks, the warming tea, the hand on the shoulder, the gentle reminders about techniques in those early days. Gratitude for their understanding when everything stopped so that I could sit down and nourish you; the knowing loving glances in cafes; the spoken words of tenderness, encouragement and support on the days when I was hollow eyed and “over it”; and everybody and every act of support in little and big ways since: THANK YOU.

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The last photo I have of you breastfeeding – already some months ago. You were stroking Ninnie so softly with the back of your hand.
Call me a Chameleon!

Call me a Chameleon!

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As I mentioned in a blog post on my professional Facebook page a couple of months ago; I heard myself referred to as “The Trauma Doula”. This is not because I inflict trauma upon my clients you understand (!) but more because I have chosen to specialise in supporting women (& their partners) in unravelling traumatic experiences and their impact on the journey of pregnancy, childbirth and the post partum period. So around and about Amsterdam I speak a lot about Birth Trauma, about VBAC, about Caesarean Birth, about sexual abuse, about domestic abuse and about the ways and means we have at our finger tips to support our hearts, bodies and minds in unpicking the thread that these types of trauma can weave through our experiences of these special moments in our lives.

Anyhow, I digress! Never having really had a “nickname” because Ilena doesn’t really rhyme so easily with other words;  (someone did unsuccessfully attempt to spread “Ilena the Painer” some 22 years ago) I decided that “The Trauma Doula” was also not really one I was keen to perpetuate within the Amsterdam Birth Network or the wider network of families and parents-to-be.

So it got me thinking….what would I like to have as my nickname or “trademark”? To mention but a few fabulous doulas in Amsterdam with nicknames; the wonderful Maartje de Bruijn-Bruning from MotherMe is referred to as “The Duracell Doula” due to her unwavering high energy support, my beloved and multi-talented mentor Jennifer Walker has recently become “The Spinning Babies Doula” due to being one of seven approved Spinning Babies trainers, and the lovely Wendy van der Zijden IS “Holistic Doula”,due to her passion for all things natural and holistic, so what would I (or others) coin as a nickname for myself?

Well after waiting a few months for an answer, earlier this evening it struck me:

Am I “The Chameleon Doula”???

Now in other contexts of life, the notion of being a chameleon might not work so well: who would want a dentist come gynaecologist come antiques dealer to fill in a root canal? Who would trust a baker come plasterer come politician? What about a chemist come footballer come gardener? Maybe not….(!)

In the world of birth keeping however, I believe passionately in the value and significance of this ability to camouflage into the surroundings, and shape shift as appropriate. For me it is important that as a doula I can support you in a homebirth setting, in a hospital induction, in a water birth at a birth centre, or in a planned caesarean birth – all equally.

Now what does that actually translate into in terms of what I actually do during birth support? Let me be clear and tangible :

  • I love space clearing with sage, palo santo or incense
  • I love to offer insight into herbal teas and mineral supplements
  • I love to sit with you as you learn about the physiology and chemistry of birth
  • I love to use yoga principles to help you stretch out the body
  • I love to hear your feedback after having reviewed the lastest scientific research on Vitamin K
  • I love to sit with your midwife as you present your preferences for your care
  • I love to help you pack your birth centre bag
  • I love the curious and sometimes intense taxi ride to the hospital
  • I love to coach you through the fears and doubts that arise as you navigate those final cms in your living room
  • I love to bust out the essential oils for you as you’re hooked up to the CTG
  • I love brushing your hair and applying make up as you enjoy the relief of the epidural
  • I love to heat up your body with my warm hands as I channel the healing and rejuvenating energy of Reiki through your body
  • I love to talk you through what I can see as you lie back on the operating table ready to meet your baby
  • I love chanting with you as you prepare to bear down and push
  • I love to coach you through the mental blocks like a hockey coach as you continue to push like you never did before
  • I love to capture your incredulous awestruck face as you take in the face of your baby in person
  • …and I love everything in between! I have to shape shift pretty dramatically in one birth between all of these tasks.

My clients reflect this chameleon like appearance; I serve artists and corporate lawyers,  recruitment consultants and managing directors, performance coaches and stay at home parents….and every professional and non professional parent in between. Religious parents, atheists; trilingual expat parents, parents fluent in the local dialect; parents who prefer allopathic medicine to parents who utilise holistic medicine; etcetera. All of these individuals have sought support in pregnancy, birth and postpartum parenting….none of them can be labelled in any one way – and here their “job titles” and some “parenting choices” are just a couple of reflections of who they are or what is important to them.

Surely I have to be a chameleon then?!

I was incredibly lucky to have experienced a shape shifting or chameleon like birth story for my first child…it was like a four part story: through a home birth, an undisturbed hospital water birth, a  full working day of the full casacade of interventions, culminating in a beautiful if unexpected Caesarean birth. Being a chameleon as a professional doula in Amsterdam means that I can support you in any birth setting, through any change of plan, through any and every choice you make, and through any outcome – always unconditionally and non-judgementally.

I realised through my own personal experience the true value of having birth support who can comfortably switch birth settings, who can effortlessly adjust to the mood and atmosphere as birth unfolds and everything shifts dynamically. For me the ability to be a chameleon seems intrinsic to the nature of a birth keeper…to be a professional who can shape shift easily and effortlessly and yet hold true to the core essence of their values and beliefs.

What does the core essence of my professional pledge look like?

  • Unconditional and continuous support

  • Non-judgemental support; I have no agenda

  • An open mind, an open heart and open hands

  • Respect and reverence for the uncertainty and miracle of the journey of birth

  • Positive and empowering communication

  • No protocol or prescription for care; on the proviso that it is clear that my support is non medical by definition

Whatever my personal choices might be in my pregnancy, during the unfolding of my birth stories, and as a parent I hope they don’t influence whether or not you decide to hire me…I would like to think that I have a successful and demonstrable track record in providing support as outlined above to all families who hire me; whatever their choices.

If you would like to enquire about the flexible and interchangeable services of The Chamelon Doula (!!!) then please email me to organise an introductory meeting where we can explore what doula support could look like for your family.

hello@ilenajoannestandring.com

 

Coaching: for birth workers, by a birth worker.

Coaching: for birth workers, by a birth worker.

Coaching, counselling, witnessing, and healing for birth workers; by a birth worker.

We wear our hearts on our sleeves in this work. We give a lot. We love a lot. We receive a lot – and some of what we receive and carry is heavy. It stays with us. It is in these moments that we need support. Some first aid for your hearts and for our emotional selves. We need to offload. We need to be held. We need a shoulder to lean on as we reemerge to begin again, to support the next labouring goddess, to bear witness at the portal of life.

 

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This offering has birthed itself; birth keepers in my community found me organically – knowing that alongside my birth work I continue to offer coaching.

I have chosen to specialise in supporting clients who have experienced trauma. And perhaps it is for that reason that birth workers reached out, because sometimes we too are traumatised – secondary trauma is real.

Perhaps what you would prefer is coaching to support you as a self standing business owner? Perhaps actually what you need is someone to brainstorm and mind map with; someone standing on the sidelines helping you stay on track with your business growth and objectives; someone to doula you as you birth your business? I’m your woman for that too!

Here are a couple of testimonials clients shared after we had worked together. Please make contact directly to find out more. +31 (0)648688308 or hello@ilenajoannestandring.com

“I perceive Ilena as highly intuitive and extremely fast in understanding me and my needs. She is so profound in her observations, that she can express my thoughts and feelings sometimes even before I am aware of them; a skill which is highly useful as a coach… She notices every detail and is able to calm down the energy and atmosphere instantly; something which is important and useful as a coach… I am grateful I have the privilege to work with her.”


“I feel so relieved to have been so honest with you – I obviously wasn’t willing to share how it all was for me until now and I am truly grateful to you for hearing and seeing me.

I cannot tell you how light I feel for having spoken it out!
I didn’t realise it was still there (annoying) so of course I am glad to have been able to give it space, and I am just so so glad that it’s now been shifted and you were so wonderful and able to hear it. I really already knew that whatever happens with me is “ok” – but I don’t think I have allowed that feeling and space and committment to myself until now so thank you for allowing me to access that.
Such a relief to be broken open! All my love and gratitude.”

3 Things….

3 Things….

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Two days ago I downloaded the series of podcasts from one of my top five most inspiring sheroes/heroines Elizabeth Gilbert who I was so privileged and inspired to meet in November 2013 at High Tea at the De Hortus Botanicus here in Amsterdam as a celebration and promotion of the release of her then latest book The Signature of All Things.(It’s a really wonderful read btw!!!)

Last night I started to listen to them, this morning I was aching to hear the rest, so the Teletubbies were put on the iPad for the little person and I indulged. Creativity explosions! Ideas galore! Gratitude beating through my body! Thankful faithful heart.

The two quotes in the Instagram picture which literally made me catch my breath when I heard them came from Episode 4 of Magic Lessons where Liz speaks to Rob Bell, had to be written on my fridge immediately. I recently discovered (thanks to my tenants who were living here for the first half of this year) that you can write on my cupboard surfaces with dry wipe marker – anyone who knows about my sheer love of both stationary and playing teacher(!) will atest to the fact that this is wonderful news.

Later this morning as I was walking The Pig and was still reverberating with the thankfulness, creativity and gratitude I decided to share one of my daily practices with you.

My “3 Things”

  • 3 things I am grateful for today.
  • 3 things I am hoping for today.
  • 3 things I am trusting today
  • 3 things I am releasing today

So here is today’s list – even though it’s a little earlier than I usually put them together:

Today I am grateful for:

  • My friend Liz and all that she is; her work, her generosity, her spirit and her laugh!
  • The incredible late summer weather that Amsterdam is bathed in
  • Amsterdam Oosterpark – where The Boy, The Pig and I walk every day and enjoy the daily changes where we really notice “It is a new universe every second!”

Three things I hope for today:

  • That the forecast is right and that we can enjoy this late summer bliss for three whole days
  • That my client is enjoying being 9 days postpartum and that breastfeeding is establishing well
  • That my next client is ready to contact me and move forward with our work together

Three things that I trust today:

  • That I will be divinely guided to take the next perfect step toward helping my clients to find me
  • That the universe in all it’s glorious abundance is taking care of my finances
  • That I will start “The Book” when the time is right

Three things I release today:

  • The need for perceived originality in my writing  – surely if I write from my heart and soul voice then that in itself is unique?!
  • Worry – it takes so much energy and focus away from the areas I wish to direct my energy and focus like The Boy, The Pig, my desires and my dreams.
  • Guilt about the iPad and Teletubbies: listen to Magic Lessons Podcast episode number 1 for the justification

Disclaimer:

A) as much as I say “daily practice” I confess it doesnt happen every. single. day.

B) sometimes the same thing will take up space on the list for days/weeks at a time

C) sometimes I don’t manage 3 – but I still write 1 or 2

As we stand on the precipice between this year and next…….

As we stand on the precipice between this year and next…….

So….that was 2014! The year of the overhaul! Take a breath!!!

Seriously, I’d like to say THANKYOU to everyone here for your loving and supportive energies this year of all years. It has been the most profoundly beautiful, love filled, gratitude filled, light filled, healing and changing year of my life so far.
Your love and support along the journey has made it even more lovely, more gracious, more beautiful and light – thank you from the bottom of my heart which feels like it’s expanded to at least 10 times it’s size at the end of 2013 lol!

It’s been a year of photos (thanks for your baby spam patience and encouragement!), of oxytocin, of bright blue eyes, of giggles and of tears, and of a completely new interior landscape as I stepped into my role as a mummy.

My values are all more firmly embedded than ever before and I feel as though my professional and personal experience in life has finally led me to my calling.
My heart and soul are buzzing with barely contained excitement for what 2015 will herald….watch this space!

For now I wish you a wonderful goodbye to 2014 and a happy, content and peaceful beginning to 2015, with love, laughter and an abundance of blessings from The Pig, Jasper Theo, and me

The Tribe Contagion

The Tribe Contagion

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Jim Rohn

As a coach and self transformation enthusiast, I have heard and read a lot about the people you surround yourself with; your “tribe”. I fought this for a long time, plaguing myself with ideas about obligation, loyalty, duty; “Yeah but who else does he have to talk to about his relationship catastrophes”, “She’s just going through a difficult period – its only been a decade of difficulty – she’ll turn a corner soon”; blah blah blah. I thought my tribe were mostly positive, inspired, ambitious and interesting people, so it didn’t matter that some were a little less so. Then I stumbled across this quote and the mathematical logic of it really struck a chord. I realised the “some” were indeed affecting my average.

Over three years ago I consciously started engaging with my existence; I began my mindfulness practice. This involves being present in the here and now moment; allowing full feeling of physical sensations, emotional experiences, mind generated thinking, heart centred thinking; truly being. Being mindful starts with the self, one’s own mind, one’s own thoughts. However not being a hermit (though there are solitary shell days which I enjoy very much) and thriving on contact and connection with people, very quickly my practice began to take in the physical, emotional, and spiritual reactions to others. In the broadest sense of mindfulness when I say “others” I mean other objects, other people, other animals, other experiences, other behaviours, other communication, other physicality, other anything. The noticing of ‘the other’ is inevitable as part of a mindfulness practice – because the mind persists in it’s separation of self before succumbing to peace, acceptance and oneness. In the context of this post I mean other people.

So in noticing my multi faceted reactions to the people in my life, and the people I encountered in life, naturally an inventory of states began to take form. Very quickly it started to become clear to me with whom I was feeling most at peace, most at ease, most courageous, most inspired, most able to be vulnerable, and crucially for me; where I was mostly hooting with laughter.

Naturally then, without confrontation, and always blessed with love and gratitude, some relationships just started to fall away. This didn’t happen entirely without action on my part, reducing my facebook friends by 350 people was a significant action. Another action, which was perhaps even more significant, was learning to flex my “no” muscle. I am still actively training this muscle, and have learnt a lot about communication in doing so; expect a post on the “no” muscle.

Another action was reestablishing boundaries in the relationships which still had a chance of evolving into a vessel to serve us both, sometimes those boundaries worked for us both and we have grown closer together, sometimes they didn’t work and so we have taken seperate paths. I noticed the liberty of letting these relationships fall away. I noticed the loving gift of an honest no. I noticed the expansion of internal space and possibility. I noticed the heady excitement of random meetings with new people now there was more space in my being, in my heart.

In letting people fall away we are allowing a WIN WIN WIN WIN scenario.

WIN 1: you spend time with people who invigorate you

WIN 2: they spend more time with people who want to spend time with them

WIN 3: you create space for new people to enter your life

WIN 4: those new people get to be invigorated by you!

And one last point to honour the wise Jim Rohn; your average becomes exceptional. Outstanding even!