~ In this room ~

~ In this room ~

In this room; I dreamt of you.
In this room; I prayed for you.
In this room; I chanted to you.
In this room; I imagined you.
In this room; my hands traced your protruding limbs.
In this room; I grew you, you grew me.
In this room; I giggled at your hiccups, I prodded you with light/sound/cold water then filmed your wriggles.
In this room; I wept – laughing and crying – for all that you came from, for all that you inspired, for all that you would yet transform.
In this room; I rested and cuddled The Pig as I waited for you and my body to symbiotically ready yourselves.
In this room; I awoke to the first signs that finally, you were coming.
In this room; we journeyed a little that day – waves rising and falling, a deep descent following each tidal surge.
In this room; it was decided that in fact you would not arrive earthside here; in this room.

I imagine the stillness in this room the moment my heart stopped as I saw you emerge in that room.
That room and all it’s vivid shades of blue, smooth hard shiny surfaced; sterile…yet bringing forth a life so vital, so precious, so warm.
I imagine the stillness in this room as you cried and my heart burst open wider than ever before, then exploded again as I said your name and you silenced your cries, opened your eyes, and looked for me in that room.

In this room; we were finally left alone together – the moment I had feared and yet a moment of many that i relished; just us two.
In this room; we got slowly acquainted with each-other and our new pace of life as our wound healed over.
In this room; we learnt how to breastfeed: you latched, you drank, you burped, you snoozed – I pumped – the room scented a milky sweet sour.
In this room; I changed your nappy for the first time.
In this room; your auntie swept you up in her arms for the first time.
In this room; we looked at each-other, we laughed at each-other, we cried at each-other, we sang to each-other, we slept next to each-other, we awoke next to each-other.
In this room; still now all these months on, it feels like our cocoon. Our place, safe from the outside, suspended from time, blanketed in love, ringing with laughter.
In my memory, this room shall forever be etched in crystal clear clarity and gratitude.

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