Have I held you enough? Stroked you enough?
Did I smell you enough? Taste you enough?
Did I kiss you enough? Hold your eyes in mine enough?
Did I laugh with you enough? Did I cry over you enough?
Did I guard you enough? Release you enough?
Did I buy you enough? Shield you from consumerism enough?
Did I feed you enough? Weigh you enough?
Did I hear you enough? Speak to you enough?
Did I document you enough? Email you enough?
Did I share you enough? Spend time alone with you enough?
Did I watch you enough? Did I let you roam enough?
These are just a fraction of the questions that plague me as a new parent daily it seems. Fortunately when you are awake I don’t have time to think – you get everywhere; your hands in the butter, your feet in the cat food, your whole body underneath the dog….climbing the step ladder, coasting from sofa to sofa. My mind is glad of the break as it focuses on the development of eyes in the back of my head to make sure the sockets are protected and the radiator pipe isnt too hot for your little paddle hands as they curl around it anyway and you look up and ask “Whaaaaash da?”
We are approaching your first birthday so I’m not really sure I can class myself as a new parent anymore?! Yet every day I wake up with you it seems like I meet you again for the first time, or maybe thats just right now as the Wonder Weeks ap tells me you’re going through a very significant leap.
Here we are in bed. You asleep alongside me. Starfished between me, the sheepskin, the duvet discarded and your chunky little thighs resting akimbo. Your breath calm and shallow. A half smile on your face; the remainder of the “tickle tickle giggle giggle” call you were making as you slowly surrendered to sleep. Moments later you whimper, heart breakingly heart broken….a memory from today?
It passes and you sigh. So do I.
I take in your curls, they were dark, they have lightened in the sun – you adore the great outdoors. Your perfect button nose, your long curled lashes framing those eyes of yours. Your wonderful, deep, soulful and opalescent blue lagoon eyes. Your skin a shade darker, bronzed slightly in the sun.
And my mind whirs into action again. Did I offer shade and protection enough from the elements today?
Just as I tell you nightly:
“You are, you have always been, you shall always be – enough – just as you are. For you are you, perfectly imperfectly you; and that is enough, more than enough for me. There is nothing you could ever do to stop me loving you.”
Tonight I might tell myself the same.